I could go a lot of places with this, and I might because I have a tendency to ramble.
I became a mother at the tender age of 20. I was married, although in a far-from-stable relationship to a boy I had only known for 2 months before we jumped the broom. (Side note- My ex husband, J., is a piece of work who will get his own post at a later date.) I wasn't ready, I should never have married J. and I had never wanted to be mother. I do have to say the pregnancy agrees with me, the the aftermath that I'm not so sure about.
I have serious doubts about my abilities as a parent. When they're really tiny, like pre-mobility, I love them. I love breastfeeding, I love holding them, rocking them to sleep, the whole of it... then they get mobile. Then they start trying to communicate but they can't so they get frustrated which in turn makes ME frustrated which makes them MORE frustrated.... I think you see where this is going. I don't know what to do with them, you can't talk to them. I get bored playing with them after about 5 minutes. I know that's horrible but it's true! I know how their brains function (thank you Developmental Psychology!) but that doesn't make it any easier. Can't we just do like the Borg and put them in a kind of stasis until they're adults?
Okay don't get your knickers in a knot, I don't ALWAYS feel like that. There are enough awesome mommy moments that I still like the little buggers but seriously some days....
My brain keeps me up at night wondering what my life would have been like if only I hadn't gotten married, or at least if I hadn't had A. I love A. but I can't help but wonder how different (read: possibly better) my life could have been without her. I feel trapped and alone. I feel like an evil evil person for wishing I could change the past. But here in the present if someone tried to take my children from me I would kill them with out blinking.
SO why am I telling you what a horrible Parent I am? Well this is part of what I am hoping Hera and Hestia are going to help me with. I mean I worry about Hera's track record (*cough cough* HephaestusHeracles *cough*) but I suppose she isn't the Goddess of mothers and childbirth for no reason. Hestia is, to my mind, the epitome of what a Stay at Home Mother should be and that is something I aspire to. I think this too is where the covering comes it, because it reminds me that I am beholden to a higher power. It is also a reminder that I am a woman now and not a child. Covering is kind of my Mother Hood (see my pun there?).
So see I took the long way around but we have a point!
2 comments:
This is an awesome post. It's an extremely *brave* post, but I love your honesty and I respect you a ton for thinking about these things and sharing them. I'm not a parent, though I was the backbone caretaker for my younger brother in an alcoholic home, starting at the age of 9, so it gets my knickers in a twist when people tell me I can't have opinions about childrearing, motherhood, etc. I didn't give birth to him, but I lost nights for tending him while he was sick, I got him fed, I got him to school and back, I helped him with homework, etc etc.
The point (I ramble too!) is, this is awesome. Too many people don't put thought into parenting, and I really respect folks who do. And folks who can say, "I love my children, and I'd fight for them now, but man, if only it had been not *then*."
Thank you! I feel like such a horrible person because I don't think my kids poop sunshine and rainbows or that motherhood is all sprinkles and glitter.
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