Saturday, February 25, 2012


Sorry for my resent absence, I haven't really had much to say so I wasn't going to just post random boring chatter. But moving right along...

My inner hippy is PISSED and ready to protest. I have had it up to my eyebrows with this country, the one I loved, was proud of, and was willing to risk life and limb for. If you missed it, on February 8th, 2012 our President signed a bill into law stating that if a religious organization had a moral opposition to birth control (contraceptives) then they did not have to pay for that coverage, but it was the insurance company's duty to provide that coverage free of charge so that women still had access. This is a very reasonable compromise,  although why it is okay to deny a woman birth control but cover a man's access to penile implant and/or Viagra is baffling to me. Apparently this was not good enough for these church organizations or more specifically the MEN in these organizations. On February 16th and ALL MALE panel of Catholic Bishops, Jewish Rabbis and Evangelical Pastors felt that they were the most qualified to discuss a woman's right to contraceptives. I am in shock. Obviously we little women are too stupid to have a say in the medical treatment of our own bodies and no woman was allowed to testify at the original hearing. Yes, there were allowed to at a subsequent hearing but that is a bullshit cop-out. OH, that's the other thing that really pissed me off. Not one of these misogynistic asshats had one iota of medical training to know what is necessary for a woman's body. Hell, the Bishops have never even SEEN a vagina, so I'm pretty damn sure that they are the LAST people I was dictating what I can and cannot do with mine. They're soo concerned with the sanctity of life (italics = sarcastic voice) but the Catholic church cannot even keep it's own leader from molesting little boys and girls. The Rabbis at least aren't allowed to give marriage advice until after they themselves are married (score one for Logic) but with the Jewish believe that each sperm is sacred, why the hell aren't they up in arms over Vasectomies as well? A man can decided when he's done reproducing children but a woman cannot? WTF people, WTF. And don't even get me started on the Evangelicals. These idiots keep invoking this deity known as JEE-zus who apparently is somewhere in their Bible but in all the times I've read the Bible (which is  A LOT, fyi) I have never seen any mention of a White guy who is pro-gun, pro-life, anti-woman's rights, anti-gay, bigoted and judgmental. Nope. I HAVE read about Jesus, the really dark brown guy, who hung out with lepers, prostitutes and generally anyone considered an outcast, and walked every where preaching "love your neighbor as yourself", "it is easier for a camel to pass though the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of Heaven" and "let him with no sin cast the first stone". Those are all hyper linked to the actual Bible verses if anyone doubts my Biblical knowledge.

Adding fuel to my angry "feminist" fire, is that my home state of Oklahoma has now passed (with a grotesquely overwhelming majority) a personhood law that takes us mere baby steps from banning contraception all together. The bill basically states that life begins at conception which is utter bullshit. I am a medical person, I am a mother of two beautiful children and if life begins at conception well I don't even want to think about all the "lives" lost because of every period I've had, every time an egg might have been fertilized and just not implanted and therefor got flushed down the toilet. I mean lets seriously consider this. Just because an egg gets fertilized does not mean it is going to result in a pregnancy. Most end up on tampons or pads with the women (and man) non the wiser. I started my period at the age of 9, and became sexually active at 14. Ready for a little math? Assuming a woman (me) has 13 periods a year and has been sexually active for 12 years, she has potentially "KILLED" 156 times. Damn that makes me a serial killer! And what about all the sperm that a man kills DAILY? Why isn't anyone persecuting for all THOSE potential lost lives? Oh yeah that's because it's a man's world and if he wants children he deserves to have them and if not then he has the right to not have his life "screwed up". GAH! I am absolutely SEETHING.

So because of all of this on April 28th I will be making a trip down to the Illinois capitol to protest. I wanted to go to the big one in DC but I just cannot afford it. I urge every woman to search "We Are Women March" on FB and join their state chapter. Go! Protest! Do it for yourself, your daughters, granddaughters, nieces, sisters, whoever will inspire you to fight for a woman's right over her own body. This is not about being pro-life or pro-choice. Just because you choose not to do something does not mean your morals should apply to everyone else. This country is about freedom. Somewhere people have accepted this false theory that by allowing people the freedom to do something that they are moral opposed to that somehow that equates to having THEIR freedoms infringed upon.  I know that is kind of a convoluted sentence so let me clarify. Say I don't believe in abortion (ha ha ha, yeah right but work with me here). If abortion is legal, it does not prevent me from making the personal choice to NOT have one.

Okay rant done for now or I will go on all day. But seriously Please join me in Protesting!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Red Tents and Glorious Pain

About a year and a half ago I attended a class at my UU church called Cakes for the Queen of Heaven. It was a very enlightening class on the history HERstory of the divine feminine in the Jewish and Christian traditions. It helped me to come to terms with the niggling hatred I still felt towards Christianity. Afterwards, I understood part of why I was never and would never be happy as a Christian. During the course of this class we were encouraged to read a book called The Red Tent. So I took the suggestion and downloaded it to my Kindle. Oh My Gods and Goddesses. This book, to me, was so inspiring and I felt a renewed fervor to become a midwife. It is the story of Jacob and Esau but told from the perspective of Jacob's daughter, Dinah. I'm not going to give you a full synopsis nor a book review because that is not what has me writing this post today. Today I learned that the Red Tent, the place where women went to menstruate in those days, is making a ROARING comeback. The Red Tent Movement is women of all ages getting together for one day or a few days each month to laugh, cry, teach, learn and support each other. I wish to all the Gods that there was one closer to me or that I was going to be here long enough to really get one up and going.

Where was this kind of loving, supportive community when I started my moon cycles?  Imagine this: I was 9 years old, on vacation with my dad and my little sister (who was 3 at the time) and basically alone when it happened. I had been having horrible lower abdomen cramps for about 6 months prior so luckily my mom gave me the run down on what a period is and that I should probably expect it. It was SUPER clinical which was kind of a good thing, at least I wasn't shamed or fed the "it's the curse" line. But back to me. Two days after I started we visited my aunt and I told her what was going on. I had been making due with wadded up toilet paper in my panties because I was way too embarrassed to tell my DAD what was going on. And to be honest he was such a super prude that he would have probably turned redder than the stain on my panties if I had said something.  My Aunt Meme. I love her to death but she took it upon herself to call EVERYONE in the family and announce "Guess what!? Codi's a woman now!!" ::facepalm:: So now I was bleeding AND embarrassed. No hugs, no stories of THEIR first cycles, no empowerment. Basically just "here's a pad, here's how to use it". Oh and the cramps? Yeah, at 14 they diagnosed me with endomitriosis and put me on birth control, with the same clinical coldness. I hated being a woman.

Now that I'm the mother of a beautiful little girl, who is only 3 years younger than I was when I became a "woman" , I have begun to ponder how to make her experience a much better one than mine. How could I encourage her, empower her, lift her up and help her embrace her femininity? I had been looking into the Souix Tribe's  coming of age ceremony for girls and for two reasons : 1. A's biological father was half Blackfoot and Souix so it is her heritage even if I cannot prove her bloodline and 2. having grown up in Oklahoma I have a deep love and respect for Native American culture (Although I am most acquainted with the Choctaw Nation). But if this Red Tent Temple keeps growing I will have something to share with her that is closer to our Polytheist beliefs and it doesn't require me digging into the past to find papers to prove her ancestry. I want this so badly for her and for myself. I know I am broken on so many levels and I wonder if something like this might help heal some of the festering wounds in my soul.

On a completely different note, I had my first session with my Personal Trainer on Thursday. His name is Martin (pronounced Mar Teen) and he looks and sound like THIS. Oh yes, I damn near drooled on the man. But he seriously put me through my paces and I am feeling it today. My ass hurts, my thighs hurt, my calves hurt and I am LOOOOOOVING it. No pain no gain, right? And with eye-candy like that you can bet that it would take a team of wild horses to keep me from my training sessions. Okay that and the fact that I am paying good money but the cute trainer makes EVERYTHING that much better.
I am realizing how shallow I sound and the fact that I am objectifying this poor guy like we women dislike being objectified but I'm only human!! I'm not a bad girl, I just enjoy feasting my eyes on pleasant  looking men and women. There's no crime in looking right? Right?? Shut up.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Finding a Mentor

Have you ever noticed how different it is to learn something by reading and learning from someone with experience? I love to read, I'm what you would call a bibliophile. That said, I am happy to say I think I might have found someone to mentor me in Hellenismos. I found him through a website he built that has a plethora of great information. So much information I was getting lost, but the things I was reading resonated so deeply with me that I HAD to learn more. There was a place where he said if you're in the Chicagoland area (which I am for now) and are interested in a study group to email. I did and got a response back fairly promptly. We exchanged phone numbers and spoke for probably an hour last night on the phone. He is a very normal kind of guy and said the same of me. We traded stories of the 'crazies' that we have encountered in our respective journeys and discussed how we both ended up where we are in life. He is terribly interesting and I feel he has much knowledge for me to learn. Sadly, there is only a very small number of us and we're all too spread out for a face to face study group but he is setting up an online group. I nearly squeed with delight because this is GREAT for me. And until the online thing is fully set up he is happy to tutor me personally through email and phone calls.

I get that someone might think he is going to take advantage of me or is some how creepy. My mentor IS a 60yo single guy. But if you think that then YOU are the one with the problem. I seek knowledge and he is willing to share it. No one is asking anyone for money or even to meet face to face. So I feel safe and happy to have help on my road of discovery.

On the home front, R. has a nasty cough which apparently has been going around and sticking around for 2-3 weeks, the doctor said. UGH. Well one week down.
I'm still not fully comprehending that N. isn't just at work and will be home later. I think it will hit me eventually but for now I'm doing okay. Tomorrow is my first session with the Personal Trainer, yay!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me...

Did anyone else sing that in their head in Donkey's voice? (Shrek)

Okay seriously, though. I dropped N. off at the airport yesterday and so far I'm doing well with it. I had a major freak out the night before; cried, screamed, railed, threw things, said things I didn't mean. Yay BPD. Thirty minutes later I was fine, guess I just had to get it out of my system. He made it to San Diego in one piece, but reports there was some turbulence during the landing that shook him up a bit. They have him in the barracks for now and he's the highest ranked person there, even over the staff, LOL.

On the way home R., who had slept through the whole thing, woke up and asked "Where Dada?" I said (and signed) "Dada on an airplane". He said "Dada airpane" (not a typo, he said airpane) and I said  "Yes, honey". So what does he do? Looks out the window, wave at the sky and yells "Bye-bye!". I laughed because I didn't want to cry, it was so friggin' cute!!

Today I got up and joined a gym. I dropped probably way too much money but I got 2 one on one sessions per week with a personal trainer who's gonna kick my butt into shape. I am tired of not being happy with me and I want N. to not recognize me when he comes home in June. =D

I have to say that at the gym today I was really comforted by my head cover. I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me (for good or bad reasons) and I felt really confident in myself as a woman. I know that probably sounds really silly but with N. gone it's kind of my security blanket... but on my head. I feel my Goddesses with me and I know I'm not doing this alone. I was also really encouraged today to have two different women ask me where I had got my head cover. It made me *squee* inside, especially since it's just a khaki green, cotton, $3 Walmart special. I had it done up in a bun style tichel with a wrap around head band to keep it in place.

On a geekier note, A. totally chose to watch Dr.Horrible's Sing-Along Blog over any other show on netflix. She is soooo my daughter. =D

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Universe is Against me

I don't have much to say today.

Reason 5,732 I am SOOO ready to leave Illinois: Lake effect snow. It has been pretty much a snowless winter this year. But the ONE freaking night I want, nay, NEED it to be clear it freaking drops 3 inches on our heads and ices over the roads so badly that I almost had like 3 wrecks on my way home from the DMV.  Demeter, dear, what did I do to piss you off?

I did finally get tags for my new (to me) car but I can't find the effing key!

3 days....

I am so not ready for this.... AND tattoos

N. is leaving in less than 4 days for C-school in San Diego, leaving me and the kids here so A. can finish the school year. I am not ready to be alone. I'm just not! Yes there are things I want to do by myself, yes I have friends that have offered to help and I'm grateful and YES I knew exactly what I was getting into as a Navy wife but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sure it's just the fear of the unknown, fear of being a "single" mom again, fear of him realizing that he misses the single life and wants out. I'm terrified! I know I am probably blowing this whole thing WAY out of proportion, thank you Borderline Personality Disorder, but I am on an emotional roller coaster. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm so angry that I'm yelling at the kids over some thing totally minor and then I'm bawling curled up in the fetal position in the closet. Yes, the closet is where I go to be alone, don't judge. I mean I have known about this for 2 months now, but now it's REAL, like he has his ticket, he's finishing his check out sheet today, and I will most likely be helping him pack this weekend. AND what's worse I'm so wigged out that I ended up yelling at my best friend on the phone just for MENTIONING something about him leaving. (C. I know you read this, and I'm really really sorry. I know I told you that already but I still feel like a steaming pile of poo about the whole thing.)

Breathe, Codi, breathe....

In other news, I will be getting a new tattoo this weekend. N. thinks it's funny that I'm "doing this modesty thing" but I'm still all about getting my tattoos. I love them!! I have three, wanna see?? Ha ha! Nope, sorry you see the thing is that I get my tattoos for ME. They're little reminders of my life, things that have been important to me, and the places I've been. I will tell you about them though.
My first is a goddess symbol from my Wicca days. It's still very meaningful to me because it was the first thing I did as an "adult". It reminds me of the time I spent living in Monterrey, CA which I consider to be the best 6 months of my LIFE. So many memories in one little tattoo.
My second is my first love, my black alto sax. I've played sax since I was 10 and while I don't play much now, music is still central to my life. I want to add more to it later, like part of the sheet music to "The Final Countdown", my favorite piece to play. I got that one when I was stationed in Texas and funnily it means even more now than it did then because one of the things that drew N. and I together is that we were both band geeks in HS AND he play(ed) tenor.
My third is super duper cool, it's A's name but done up really cool. There was a guy at the mall doing "Cooligraphy" so he wrote it in English but worked the letters in such a way that it kind of looks like a Chinese character. I got that one when I moved out to Virginia.. good times good times.
Friday night  I will get my fourth, a celtic style seal for R. as his name is gaelic for little seal... Like the animal kind of seal.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Modesty: Is it in the Mind or in the Method?

I love watching National Geographic, as I wish to NOT be ignorant of the world. It occurred to me today while watching one such video about a Congolese family that this woman, with her beautiful head wrap but her breast hanging out as to feed her child is a perfect example of modesty. No no, stick with me.

If this woman had been in America, feeding her child openly with one breast literally hanging, she would have been on the receiving of some very nasty glares and possibly even asked to cover her self. We have been so indoctrinated as to over-sexualized everything to the point that we see "BREAST!" before we see "feeding". WHOA! Breastfeeding tangent, sorry.

What I am trying to get at though is that THIS:

(check out that awesome head wrap!!)
is infinitely  more modest than, say, THIS:
(psst! I can see your nipples!!!)
Despite the fact that photo two COVERS more than photo one, photo two has the INTENTION of being sexy. AND guess which one would be deleted from a Facebook account. Yuppers! If you guessed photo one, give yourself a hand. If not, you have obviously not been paying attention to the news.

I guess what I am really trying to get at is this. You could cover every inch of skin and be LESS modest than say... me wearing my sarong tied around my waist to cover my butt and thighs at the beach. It's all about intent.

(aside.... I really thought that this would have come out more eloquent but for some reason words fail me today. Calliope, you have failed me! )