Friday, February 10, 2012

I am so not ready for this.... AND tattoos

N. is leaving in less than 4 days for C-school in San Diego, leaving me and the kids here so A. can finish the school year. I am not ready to be alone. I'm just not! Yes there are things I want to do by myself, yes I have friends that have offered to help and I'm grateful and YES I knew exactly what I was getting into as a Navy wife but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sure it's just the fear of the unknown, fear of being a "single" mom again, fear of him realizing that he misses the single life and wants out. I'm terrified! I know I am probably blowing this whole thing WAY out of proportion, thank you Borderline Personality Disorder, but I am on an emotional roller coaster. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm so angry that I'm yelling at the kids over some thing totally minor and then I'm bawling curled up in the fetal position in the closet. Yes, the closet is where I go to be alone, don't judge. I mean I have known about this for 2 months now, but now it's REAL, like he has his ticket, he's finishing his check out sheet today, and I will most likely be helping him pack this weekend. AND what's worse I'm so wigged out that I ended up yelling at my best friend on the phone just for MENTIONING something about him leaving. (C. I know you read this, and I'm really really sorry. I know I told you that already but I still feel like a steaming pile of poo about the whole thing.)

Breathe, Codi, breathe....

In other news, I will be getting a new tattoo this weekend. N. thinks it's funny that I'm "doing this modesty thing" but I'm still all about getting my tattoos. I love them!! I have three, wanna see?? Ha ha! Nope, sorry you see the thing is that I get my tattoos for ME. They're little reminders of my life, things that have been important to me, and the places I've been. I will tell you about them though.
My first is a goddess symbol from my Wicca days. It's still very meaningful to me because it was the first thing I did as an "adult". It reminds me of the time I spent living in Monterrey, CA which I consider to be the best 6 months of my LIFE. So many memories in one little tattoo.
My second is my first love, my black alto sax. I've played sax since I was 10 and while I don't play much now, music is still central to my life. I want to add more to it later, like part of the sheet music to "The Final Countdown", my favorite piece to play. I got that one when I was stationed in Texas and funnily it means even more now than it did then because one of the things that drew N. and I together is that we were both band geeks in HS AND he play(ed) tenor.
My third is super duper cool, it's A's name but done up really cool. There was a guy at the mall doing "Cooligraphy" so he wrote it in English but worked the letters in such a way that it kind of looks like a Chinese character. I got that one when I moved out to Virginia.. good times good times.
Friday night  I will get my fourth, a celtic style seal for R. as his name is gaelic for little seal... Like the animal kind of seal.


Cora said...

Take a deep breathe and count to 100 if need be.

Yes, deployments are hard on the spouse left behind...but it's up to you how hard.

When G was in the Army, we spent a collective few *years* apart...two being in other countries. One being a war.

Best thing to do is get out as much as possible, get connected to the community (stay away from toxic military wives! you probably know what I'm talking about), get invovled with the kids' activities. Stay busy, busy, busy.

Call, email, Skype N. as much as possible. No, he's not going to get to SD and suddenly think "yeah, single life!" He's going to be thinking "man, I want my family here."

Separations suck, but just take it one day at a time. <3

polytheistmom said...

Yes I have been lucky thus far as a Navy wife and this is just the first of many separations for us. Like I said, I know I'm going to be fine, it's just hard with this being the first.

Cora said...

Yep, the first is the hardest.

If you need someone to talk to, then email me. I've been there and done that and know *exactly* what it feels like. *hugs*

tpoaic [at] gmail [dot] com