I don't have much to say today.
Reason 5,732 I am SOOO ready to leave Illinois: Lake effect snow. It has been pretty much a snowless winter this year. But the ONE freaking night I want, nay, NEED it to be clear it freaking drops 3 inches on our heads and ices over the roads so badly that I almost had like 3 wrecks on my way home from the DMV. Demeter, dear, what did I do to piss you off?
I did finally get tags for my new (to me) car but I can't find the effing key!
3 days....
Friday, February 10, 2012
I am so not ready for this.... AND tattoos
N. is leaving in less than 4 days for C-school in San Diego, leaving me and the kids here so A. can finish the school year. I am not ready to be alone. I'm just not! Yes there are things I want to do by myself, yes I have friends that have offered to help and I'm grateful and YES I knew exactly what I was getting into as a Navy wife but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sure it's just the fear of the unknown, fear of being a "single" mom again, fear of him realizing that he misses the single life and wants out. I'm terrified! I know I am probably blowing this whole thing WAY out of proportion, thank you Borderline Personality Disorder, but I am on an emotional roller coaster. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm so angry that I'm yelling at the kids over some thing totally minor and then I'm bawling curled up in the fetal position in the closet. Yes, the closet is where I go to be alone, don't judge. I mean I have known about this for 2 months now, but now it's REAL, like he has his ticket, he's finishing his check out sheet today, and I will most likely be helping him pack this weekend. AND what's worse I'm so wigged out that I ended up yelling at my best friend on the phone just for MENTIONING something about him leaving. (C. I know you read this, and I'm really really sorry. I know I told you that already but I still feel like a steaming pile of poo about the whole thing.)
Breathe, Codi, breathe....
In other news, I will be getting a new tattoo this weekend. N. thinks it's funny that I'm "doing this modesty thing" but I'm still all about getting my tattoos. I love them!! I have three, wanna see?? Ha ha! Nope, sorry you see the thing is that I get my tattoos for ME. They're little reminders of my life, things that have been important to me, and the places I've been. I will tell you about them though.
My first is a goddess symbol from my Wicca days. It's still very meaningful to me because it was the first thing I did as an "adult". It reminds me of the time I spent living in Monterrey, CA which I consider to be the best 6 months of my LIFE. So many memories in one little tattoo.
My second is my first love, my black alto sax. I've played sax since I was 10 and while I don't play much now, music is still central to my life. I want to add more to it later, like part of the sheet music to "The Final Countdown", my favorite piece to play. I got that one when I was stationed in Texas and funnily it means even more now than it did then because one of the things that drew N. and I together is that we were both band geeks in HS AND he play(ed) tenor.
My third is super duper cool, it's A's name but done up really cool. There was a guy at the mall doing "Cooligraphy" so he wrote it in English but worked the letters in such a way that it kind of looks like a Chinese character. I got that one when I moved out to Virginia.. good times good times.
Friday night I will get my fourth, a celtic style seal for R. as his name is gaelic for little seal... Like the animal kind of seal.
Breathe, Codi, breathe....
In other news, I will be getting a new tattoo this weekend. N. thinks it's funny that I'm "doing this modesty thing" but I'm still all about getting my tattoos. I love them!! I have three, wanna see?? Ha ha! Nope, sorry you see the thing is that I get my tattoos for ME. They're little reminders of my life, things that have been important to me, and the places I've been. I will tell you about them though.
My first is a goddess symbol from my Wicca days. It's still very meaningful to me because it was the first thing I did as an "adult". It reminds me of the time I spent living in Monterrey, CA which I consider to be the best 6 months of my LIFE. So many memories in one little tattoo.
My second is my first love, my black alto sax. I've played sax since I was 10 and while I don't play much now, music is still central to my life. I want to add more to it later, like part of the sheet music to "The Final Countdown", my favorite piece to play. I got that one when I was stationed in Texas and funnily it means even more now than it did then because one of the things that drew N. and I together is that we were both band geeks in HS AND he play(ed) tenor.
My third is super duper cool, it's A's name but done up really cool. There was a guy at the mall doing "Cooligraphy" so he wrote it in English but worked the letters in such a way that it kind of looks like a Chinese character. I got that one when I moved out to Virginia.. good times good times.
Friday night I will get my fourth, a celtic style seal for R. as his name is gaelic for little seal... Like the animal kind of seal.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Modesty: Is it in the Mind or in the Method?
I love watching National Geographic, as I wish to NOT be ignorant of the world. It occurred to me today while watching one such video about a Congolese family that this woman, with her beautiful head wrap but her breast hanging out as to feed her child is a perfect example of modesty. No no, stick with me.
If this woman had been in America, feeding her child openly with one breast literally hanging, she would have been on the receiving of some very nasty glares and possibly even asked to cover her self. We have been so indoctrinated as to over-sexualized everything to the point that we see "BREAST!" before we see "feeding". WHOA! Breastfeeding tangent, sorry.
What I am trying to get at though is that THIS:
is infinitely more modest than, say, THIS:
Despite the fact that photo two COVERS more than photo one, photo two has the INTENTION of being sexy. AND guess which one would be deleted from a Facebook account. Yuppers! If you guessed photo one, give yourself a hand. If not, you have obviously not been paying attention to the news.
I guess what I am really trying to get at is this. You could cover every inch of skin and be LESS modest than say... me wearing my sarong tied around my waist to cover my butt and thighs at the beach. It's all about intent.
(aside.... I really thought that this would have come out more eloquent but for some reason words fail me today. Calliope, you have failed me! )
If this woman had been in America, feeding her child openly with one breast literally hanging, she would have been on the receiving of some very nasty glares and possibly even asked to cover her self. We have been so indoctrinated as to over-sexualized everything to the point that we see "BREAST!" before we see "feeding". WHOA! Breastfeeding tangent, sorry.
What I am trying to get at though is that THIS:
 |
| (check out that awesome head wrap!!) |
 |
| (psst! I can see your nipples!!!) |
I guess what I am really trying to get at is this. You could cover every inch of skin and be LESS modest than say... me wearing my sarong tied around my waist to cover my butt and thighs at the beach. It's all about intent.
(aside.... I really thought that this would have come out more eloquent but for some reason words fail me today. Calliope, you have failed me! )
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Prop 8 Victory and Sister Wives
*does the happy dance* Prop 8 has been deemed unconstitutional, HUZZAH! This is wonderful news as I am very pro LGBT. Hell, I am the "B" in LGBT. I think all people should have the right to love whom they want, be married to whom they want and create a family that suits THEM. Love is love no matter how you spin it. Also, since so many Gay and Lesbian couples choose to adopt, I would rather see children go into loving homes like that as opposed to stuck in "the system" until they are 18 and then told "Good Luck. Now get out." Holy tangent, Batman. Back to Prop 8. This now opens the door to a FEDERAL law deeming the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional and opening the door for the Respect for Marriage Act (RMA). This is ALL very very VERY good news and my faith in (American) humanity is slowly being restored.
This leads also to my next topic, polygamy. Yep, I totally went there. I am just all around a poly kind of girl I guess, because on top of being Polytheist (many gods), I believe in Polyamory, too. Despite the mismatch of Greek and Latin terms, Polyamory is the belief that one can love more than one person AT THE SAME TIME. There are many forms of this, the most common being polygamy, one man with many wives. There are also cultures that practice polyandry, one woman with many husbands. I personally would LOVE to have a wife join our family but I want her to be MY wife in every since of the word, as well. None of this sister-wife stuff. ("B" in LGBT remember? That's a whole different rant for a different day.) I do love the show Sister Wives, though and I love the model of Polygamy that they show the world. They're just normal people with lots of love to go around. Kody isn't a misogynistic asshole, the women all came into the marriage willingly and with full disclosure, and the kids pretty much all get along. Yes there are fights, yes, there is jealousy. But show me ONE relationship of any kind that doesn't deal with those very same problems at one time or another.... Ward and June Cleaver DON'T count. Where am I going with this? Well, it seems that my favorite polygamist family is going to court to fight the bigamy laws. YAY!! Kody says in the intro to every show, "Love should be multiplied, not divided" and that just sings in my heart. How is MORE love ever a bad thing?
In the end, I believe that love in all it's many wonderful forms, will prevail. Someday we will learn to stay the heck outta each others bedrooms because at the end of the day it doesn't effect who you are as a person. More love for everyone!
This leads also to my next topic, polygamy. Yep, I totally went there. I am just all around a poly kind of girl I guess, because on top of being Polytheist (many gods), I believe in Polyamory, too. Despite the mismatch of Greek and Latin terms, Polyamory is the belief that one can love more than one person AT THE SAME TIME. There are many forms of this, the most common being polygamy, one man with many wives. There are also cultures that practice polyandry, one woman with many husbands. I personally would LOVE to have a wife join our family but I want her to be MY wife in every since of the word, as well. None of this sister-wife stuff. ("B" in LGBT remember? That's a whole different rant for a different day.) I do love the show Sister Wives, though and I love the model of Polygamy that they show the world. They're just normal people with lots of love to go around. Kody isn't a misogynistic asshole, the women all came into the marriage willingly and with full disclosure, and the kids pretty much all get along. Yes there are fights, yes, there is jealousy. But show me ONE relationship of any kind that doesn't deal with those very same problems at one time or another.... Ward and June Cleaver DON'T count. Where am I going with this? Well, it seems that my favorite polygamist family is going to court to fight the bigamy laws. YAY!! Kody says in the intro to every show, "Love should be multiplied, not divided" and that just sings in my heart. How is MORE love ever a bad thing?
In the end, I believe that love in all it's many wonderful forms, will prevail. Someday we will learn to stay the heck outta each others bedrooms because at the end of the day it doesn't effect who you are as a person. More love for everyone!
Monday, February 6, 2012
A little of this and a little of that.
Okay, I stand corrected. A. was sick, she felt the early part of it coming on Friday, because today she wakes up with a fever. Good thing she is only in Kindergarten so she is not really missing much.
So I joined a FB group for Headcovering Pagans and I have to tell you that it's so nice to have a little validation that I'm not bonkers. We don't all believe exactly the same thing but it is nice to have a small community of women who are going through similar tests of faith that I am...There is currently a debate as to whether or not it's more "right" to consciously choose to patron a Pagan/Polytheist vendor over a Monotheist one. For me this is a conundrum because I can fully see both sides of the debate. I feel, however, that while I can consider myself sister to the whole of the human race, it's the same as any other sibling. I may love them all but sometimes I *LIKE* some of them better than others. I am merely human and if you say something nasty about me or my beliefs then I am not going to like you very much. Meany heads.
R. is testing the limits of my patience today. I love him, I really do, but the screaming makes me wish I were deaf. And then he'll tell me he wants something but the moment I get it for him he starts screaming "NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!". He's been up my ass for the past week, ever since I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night. I had an ovarian cyst burst and my BFF came to sit with the kids. R. woke up while we were gone to find our bed empty and he lost it. I can see where that would be scary for a little guy (2) but COME ON!
On top of it all, N. is leaving one week from today for 4 months of schooling. I know I am the world's luckiest Navy wife to have had him home every night for the past 4 years (save for the occasional 24hr watch). That said, I am NOT looking forward to manning this z00 alone. I do have some really good friends but it's not the same as having N. home. Also, I am really not looking forward to sleeping alone.
On the faith front, I set up a little alter to Hestia in my kitchen today after cleaning it. I feel like having that will inspire me to keep it cleaner as it is now a sacred space.
So I joined a FB group for Headcovering Pagans and I have to tell you that it's so nice to have a little validation that I'm not bonkers. We don't all believe exactly the same thing but it is nice to have a small community of women who are going through similar tests of faith that I am...There is currently a debate as to whether or not it's more "right" to consciously choose to patron a Pagan/Polytheist vendor over a Monotheist one. For me this is a conundrum because I can fully see both sides of the debate. I feel, however, that while I can consider myself sister to the whole of the human race, it's the same as any other sibling. I may love them all but sometimes I *LIKE* some of them better than others. I am merely human and if you say something nasty about me or my beliefs then I am not going to like you very much. Meany heads.
R. is testing the limits of my patience today. I love him, I really do, but the screaming makes me wish I were deaf. And then he'll tell me he wants something but the moment I get it for him he starts screaming "NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!". He's been up my ass for the past week, ever since I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night. I had an ovarian cyst burst and my BFF came to sit with the kids. R. woke up while we were gone to find our bed empty and he lost it. I can see where that would be scary for a little guy (2) but COME ON!
On top of it all, N. is leaving one week from today for 4 months of schooling. I know I am the world's luckiest Navy wife to have had him home every night for the past 4 years (save for the occasional 24hr watch). That said, I am NOT looking forward to manning this z00 alone. I do have some really good friends but it's not the same as having N. home. Also, I am really not looking forward to sleeping alone.
On the faith front, I set up a little alter to Hestia in my kitchen today after cleaning it. I feel like having that will inspire me to keep it cleaner as it is now a sacred space.
Friday, February 3, 2012
I got duped...
So this morning A. comes up to me, coughing like a pack-a-day smoker and saying her chest hurt. "Mommy," she says " I don't feel good. I don't want to go to school." As this is the first time those words, in that order, have ever fallen from her lips what could I do but take her at her word? Right? Well, not half an hour later she appeared perfectly fine and was running around the house chasing her brother. I realized, I'd been had. *Facepalm*
THEN I go to light my stick of incense, like I do every morning. A friend gave me this really great resin on a stick so I lit some of that. Not five minutes later I turn around and it's gone out. So I light it again. Five minutes later, same thing. Soooo I grab another stick and lit THAT one and guess what? Yup, refused to stay lit. AHHH!!! I need my frankincense fix, damn it!!! Well I ended up giving up and using some resin and a charcoal brick. I don't mind doing that but, well, it's the principal of the matter. Those stick should have stayed lit!
On a happier note, I found 3 scarves on sale at Wally World tonight so I'm really excited to not have to wear heavy sarongs on my head anymore. They were starting to give me headaches. I will try them out and post photos for your viewing pleasure either sometime this weekend or possibly Monday.
THEN I go to light my stick of incense, like I do every morning. A friend gave me this really great resin on a stick so I lit some of that. Not five minutes later I turn around and it's gone out. So I light it again. Five minutes later, same thing. Soooo I grab another stick and lit THAT one and guess what? Yup, refused to stay lit. AHHH!!! I need my frankincense fix, damn it!!! Well I ended up giving up and using some resin and a charcoal brick. I don't mind doing that but, well, it's the principal of the matter. Those stick should have stayed lit!
On a happier note, I found 3 scarves on sale at Wally World tonight so I'm really excited to not have to wear heavy sarongs on my head anymore. They were starting to give me headaches. I will try them out and post photos for your viewing pleasure either sometime this weekend or possibly Monday.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Motherhood...
I could go a lot of places with this, and I might because I have a tendency to ramble.
I became a mother at the tender age of 20. I was married, although in a far-from-stable relationship to a boy I had only known for 2 months before we jumped the broom. (Side note- My ex husband, J., is a piece of work who will get his own post at a later date.) I wasn't ready, I should never have married J. and I had never wanted to be mother. I do have to say the pregnancy agrees with me, the the aftermath that I'm not so sure about.
I have serious doubts about my abilities as a parent. When they're really tiny, like pre-mobility, I love them. I love breastfeeding, I love holding them, rocking them to sleep, the whole of it... then they get mobile. Then they start trying to communicate but they can't so they get frustrated which in turn makes ME frustrated which makes them MORE frustrated.... I think you see where this is going. I don't know what to do with them, you can't talk to them. I get bored playing with them after about 5 minutes. I know that's horrible but it's true! I know how their brains function (thank you Developmental Psychology!) but that doesn't make it any easier. Can't we just do like the Borg and put them in a kind of stasis until they're adults?
Okay don't get your knickers in a knot, I don't ALWAYS feel like that. There are enough awesome mommy moments that I still like the little buggers but seriously some days....
My brain keeps me up at night wondering what my life would have been like if only I hadn't gotten married, or at least if I hadn't had A. I love A. but I can't help but wonder how different (read: possibly better) my life could have been without her. I feel trapped and alone. I feel like an evil evil person for wishing I could change the past. But here in the present if someone tried to take my children from me I would kill them with out blinking.
SO why am I telling you what a horrible Parent I am? Well this is part of what I am hoping Hera and Hestia are going to help me with. I mean I worry about Hera's track record (*cough cough* HephaestusHeracles *cough*) but I suppose she isn't the Goddess of mothers and childbirth for no reason. Hestia is, to my mind, the epitome of what a Stay at Home Mother should be and that is something I aspire to. I think this too is where the covering comes it, because it reminds me that I am beholden to a higher power. It is also a reminder that I am a woman now and not a child. Covering is kind of my Mother Hood (see my pun there?).
So see I took the long way around but we have a point!
I became a mother at the tender age of 20. I was married, although in a far-from-stable relationship to a boy I had only known for 2 months before we jumped the broom. (Side note- My ex husband, J., is a piece of work who will get his own post at a later date.) I wasn't ready, I should never have married J. and I had never wanted to be mother. I do have to say the pregnancy agrees with me, the the aftermath that I'm not so sure about.
I have serious doubts about my abilities as a parent. When they're really tiny, like pre-mobility, I love them. I love breastfeeding, I love holding them, rocking them to sleep, the whole of it... then they get mobile. Then they start trying to communicate but they can't so they get frustrated which in turn makes ME frustrated which makes them MORE frustrated.... I think you see where this is going. I don't know what to do with them, you can't talk to them. I get bored playing with them after about 5 minutes. I know that's horrible but it's true! I know how their brains function (thank you Developmental Psychology!) but that doesn't make it any easier. Can't we just do like the Borg and put them in a kind of stasis until they're adults?
Okay don't get your knickers in a knot, I don't ALWAYS feel like that. There are enough awesome mommy moments that I still like the little buggers but seriously some days....
My brain keeps me up at night wondering what my life would have been like if only I hadn't gotten married, or at least if I hadn't had A. I love A. but I can't help but wonder how different (read: possibly better) my life could have been without her. I feel trapped and alone. I feel like an evil evil person for wishing I could change the past. But here in the present if someone tried to take my children from me I would kill them with out blinking.
SO why am I telling you what a horrible Parent I am? Well this is part of what I am hoping Hera and Hestia are going to help me with. I mean I worry about Hera's track record (*cough cough* HephaestusHeracles *cough*) but I suppose she isn't the Goddess of mothers and childbirth for no reason. Hestia is, to my mind, the epitome of what a Stay at Home Mother should be and that is something I aspire to. I think this too is where the covering comes it, because it reminds me that I am beholden to a higher power. It is also a reminder that I am a woman now and not a child. Covering is kind of my Mother Hood (see my pun there?).
So see I took the long way around but we have a point!
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