I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me...

Did anyone else sing that in their head in Donkey's voice? (Shrek)

Okay seriously, though. I dropped N. off at the airport yesterday and so far I'm doing well with it. I had a major freak out the night before; cried, screamed, railed, threw things, said things I didn't mean. Yay BPD. Thirty minutes later I was fine, guess I just had to get it out of my system. He made it to San Diego in one piece, but reports there was some turbulence during the landing that shook him up a bit. They have him in the barracks for now and he's the highest ranked person there, even over the staff, LOL.

On the way home R., who had slept through the whole thing, woke up and asked "Where Dada?" I said (and signed) "Dada on an airplane". He said "Dada airpane" (not a typo, he said airpane) and I said  "Yes, honey". So what does he do? Looks out the window, wave at the sky and yells "Bye-bye!". I laughed because I didn't want to cry, it was so friggin' cute!!

Today I got up and joined a gym. I dropped probably way too much money but I got 2 one on one sessions per week with a personal trainer who's gonna kick my butt into shape. I am tired of not being happy with me and I want N. to not recognize me when he comes home in June. =D

I have to say that at the gym today I was really comforted by my head cover. I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me (for good or bad reasons) and I felt really confident in myself as a woman. I know that probably sounds really silly but with N. gone it's kind of my security blanket... but on my head. I feel my Goddesses with me and I know I'm not doing this alone. I was also really encouraged today to have two different women ask me where I had got my head cover. It made me *squee* inside, especially since it's just a khaki green, cotton, $3 Walmart special. I had it done up in a bun style tichel with a wrap around head band to keep it in place.

On a geekier note, A. totally chose to watch Dr.Horrible's Sing-Along Blog over any other show on netflix. She is soooo my daughter. =D

Motherhood...

I could go a lot of places with this, and I might because I have a tendency to ramble.

I became a mother at the tender age of 20. I was married, although in a far-from-stable relationship to a boy I had only known for 2 months before we jumped the broom. (Side note- My ex husband, J., is a piece of work who will get his own post at a later date.) I wasn't ready, I should never have married J. and I had never wanted to be mother. I do have to say the pregnancy agrees with me, the the aftermath that I'm not so sure about.

I have serious doubts about my abilities as a parent. When they're really tiny, like pre-mobility, I love them. I love breastfeeding, I love holding them, rocking them to sleep, the whole of it... then they get mobile. Then they start trying to communicate but they can't so they get frustrated which in turn makes ME frustrated which makes them MORE frustrated.... I think you see where this is going. I don't know what to do with them, you can't talk to them. I get bored playing with them after about 5 minutes. I know that's horrible but it's true! I know how their brains function (thank you Developmental Psychology!) but that doesn't make it any easier. Can't we just do like the Borg and put them in a kind of stasis until they're adults?

Okay don't get your knickers in a knot, I don't ALWAYS feel like that. There are enough awesome mommy moments that I still like the little buggers but seriously some days....

My brain keeps me up at night wondering what my life would have been like if only I hadn't gotten married, or at least if I hadn't had A. I love A. but I can't help but wonder how different (read: possibly better) my life could have been without her. I feel trapped and alone. I feel like an evil evil person for wishing I could change the past. But here in the present if someone tried to take my children from me I would kill them with out blinking.

SO why am I telling you what a horrible Parent I am? Well this is part of what I am hoping Hera and Hestia are going to help me with. I mean I worry about Hera's track record (*cough cough* HephaestusHeracles *cough*) but I suppose she isn't the Goddess of mothers and childbirth for no reason. Hestia is, to my mind, the epitome of what a Stay at Home Mother should be and that is something I aspire to. I think this too is where the covering comes it, because it reminds me that I am beholden to a higher power. It is also a reminder that I am a woman now and not a child. Covering is kind of my Mother Hood (see my pun there?).

So see I took the long way around but we have a point!